I Lost My Best Friend Today

I lost my best friend today.  I don't really know how to process it.  The biting words she flung at me "You are no longer a friend I can confide in".  Am I innocent or undeserving of such anger? No, of course not.  How do you tell your friend that alcohol and sex are taking her away from the ones who love and care for her the most?  How do you tell her you want her to live when you have your own faults? I wish I had an answer.  I wish God could come sit down beside me and speak to me in a language I can understand.  I wish He could tell me why this is what happened the day after I asked him to help me help her.  I trust Him but I can't decipher it. 

I was lonely before but now I have no one.  I could walk in her room and say, "Ok I screwed up.  I'm sorry.  Please be my friend again".  I would mean it and I am sorry that I resorted to allowing my anxieties to build up and let them explode into profanities and hurtful, useless remarks.  When I wanted to say in a calm, adult way " This has got to stop for everyone's sake".

I think after processing it, I will just wait it out.  I do trust her and know when she's sober she makes the right decisions.  She would never go out without knowing I'm watching her babies.  So maybe if she's mad at me, she will at least be safe and alive.  That's more important to me than having her as a friend.  Besides that, she's the mother I wish I had been to her.  She is her children's hero and their world lights up when she walks into the room.  Maybe this is God's answer to me....to let her go so she heal.  I just pray that she comes back to me.

How Did I Get Here?

So my daughter emailed me and told me to post already.  I never know what to say on these things.


Do you ever wonder how you got to where you are today?  I wonder that every day.  Sometimes, I think about it so much, I get so depressed, I just want to crawl back in bed.  I try to think of the good days but I still can't figure out how I got here.  I know I was born and went to school and played with my friends then graduated from high school then went to college and by a miracle graduated from there too.  I know I met the love of my life shortly after I graduated and that I worked as a social worker for 20 years and I have a daughter who is my best friend.  Then, I know, the love of my life died.  I know I have 2 grandchildren and a son-in-law and that I sit in my room and play WoW and play with my grandchildren and drive everyone crazy and that weeks pass and I don't know where they went. But I still don't know how I got HERE.

Starting my Blog

I thought for a long time that I would like a place to share my thoughts and experiences in the hopes of getting feedback and to maybe help someone else.  My 49 years have been quite a journey to say the least.  I wanted a place where I could say the things I've not been able to share with those closest to me.  I don't have the gift of prose and my ramblings will probably take off in all kinds of directions.

 Due to my upbringing, I've never felt comfortable with talking about experiences, thoughts and hopes for the future.  I've suffered with depression all of my life.  I'm a procrastinator and have memory problems.  I'm overweight and I smoke and I have poor self control.  I'm also the best and the worst mother, daughter and human being.

I want to improve in all those areas and wanted a way to chronicle either my success or my failure.  I sure hope it ends up being a success story.

So there you go, my first blog post.  I hope you jump on board and share this journey with me.