I lost my best friend today. I don't really know how to process it. The biting words she flung at me "You are no longer a friend I can confide in". Am I innocent or undeserving of such anger? No, of course not. How do you tell your friend that alcohol and sex are taking her away from the ones who love and care for her the most? How do you tell her you want her to live when you have your own faults? I wish I had an answer. I wish God could come sit down beside me and speak to me in a language I can understand. I wish He could tell me why this is what happened the day after I asked him to help me help her. I trust Him but I can't decipher it.
I was lonely before but now I have no one. I could walk in her room and say, "Ok I screwed up. I'm sorry. Please be my friend again". I would mean it and I am sorry that I resorted to allowing my anxieties to build up and let them explode into profanities and hurtful, useless remarks. When I wanted to say in a calm, adult way " This has got to stop for everyone's sake".
I think after processing it, I will just wait it out. I do trust her and know when she's sober she makes the right decisions. She would never go out without knowing I'm watching her babies. So maybe if she's mad at me, she will at least be safe and alive. That's more important to me than having her as a friend. Besides that, she's the mother I wish I had been to her. She is her children's hero and their world lights up when she walks into the room. Maybe this is God's answer to me....to let her go so she heal. I just pray that she comes back to me.
